Hi there

I'm not sure that anyone will actually read this, I hope they do, but I'm not sure. I hope that someone reads it and will learn from my mistakes. That would be nice that the last 5 years of my life were not wasted in vain.
So I have been with an alcoholic for the last 5 1/2 years. I have tried to love him sober, demand him sober, threaten, cry and beat him sober. I have tried stealing his money, taking his car keys, getting his friends to help. I have screamed in my pillows at night and cried in my shower many a times. But nothing worked because he swore up and down it was normal to drink a 5th of 100 proof alcohol a day. He thought it was normal to go to his job as a police officer drunk or hung over. He thought it was fine to put a loaded gun to my head, throw me into walls and hit me. He still thinks that it is fine for him not to have a job, to live with his mom and continue to steal my money and drink. And today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I have said it a million times that I was going to leave. But I let myself get into a position where I was completely dependent on him. I allowed him to treat me however he felt and I just always forgave him. I told myself it was the alcohol and that the real him really loved me, that he didn't mean the horrible things he said to me. That the gun wasn't loaded and even if it was I deserved that. I was the crazy one and I should have just let him do his thing and not try to change him. Well half of that was right. I was crazy. Technically speaking I actually was. I was totally co-dependent on him, and I allowed myself to be that way.
Every day for the last 6 months has been a struggle. I followed him all over God's green earth. I lost some of my most valuable possesions, my pride, my dignity and until recently my self esteem. I left my family for him, my children have suffered and I am finished. As I read this I am going to assume that you all think I am loony. I don't blame you.
In the last 6 months I have struggled to work, go to school and take care of him. Well I finally got myself a car. I have a good job and I have friends. The nice thing about me is I am at least charming if nothing else. I make friends for life and I do try to be such a good person. My friends know that I will do whatever I can in my power. Even if it's just a prayer I am there. He is not. He has left all of his friends behind. He even left his mother behind. And if it weren't for her he would still be living in his truck. Yes we were homeless. I worked to get us a hotel room and some food while he stayed in the room all day.
Well I can finally say I have built my self- esteem up enough to get rid of him. Next week I move in with a friend of mine and I'm not looking back. He threw me into the last wall I will ever let him. And the next guy I feel really bad for because if you think your gonna get my heart as easy as he did...well I'm sorry guys he ruined it.
He doesn't deserve a woman like I am going to be. He doesn't deserve to hurt anyone like he has hurt me. And after a few years of counseling I might even get over all the trauma I put myself through for the last 5 years.
The sickest part, honestly, is that there is a part of me that wants to hold on to him. She wants to run downstairs and beg for forgiveness for something she didn't even do. She wants to hold him and make him feel so wonderful while she is ignored and all her emotional needs are abandoned.
Anyway this is my blog of freedom. I am going to get out of it and be a wonderful woman, sister, mother, and daughter I can be. I am going to be a nurse in a few short semesters and I will not allow another man to put his hands on me in violence. I will demand love and respect because that is what I give.
I hope that one day I will be able to love unconditionally like I did for this ass monkey. Here's hoping I haven't allowed the best part of me to die in this mess. Wish me luck!